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Lost In Bikini Bottom

(opening at Squidward's house)
Squidward: (sitting in his bath) 20 minutes in the bath is probably enough. (looks at his wrinkled tentacles. He walks out of his house) Another day! (sulks) Another day.
SpongeBob: (snoring. His alarm clock goes off. SpongeBob is hearding screaming and tumbling in his house. The shower water runs. SpongeBob opens his door in his underwear) Ready for work! Morning, Squidward! I- (realizes he's not wearing his pants and gasps) Not ready for work! (runs back inside)
Squidward: Whatever.
SpongeBob: Thanks for waiting, Squidward.
Squidward: I wasn't waiting.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I was in such a hurry I almost forgot my pants.
Squidward: Yes, I saw that.
SpongeBob: I guess I was in a panic. I mean, I can't believe we're running so late for work. Can you? Huh, Squidward? Can you believe it? Are you panicking, too? Late for work. Late for work. We're running late for work. Right?
Squidward: Late? We're going to be there 15 minutes early!
SpongeBob: I know! Only 15 minutes early? Maybe we should take a shortcut! (Squidward stops walking) Squidward, what are you doing?! (tries to get Squidward to move, but he won't)
Squidward: SpongeBob, look. (points to the Krusty Krab) We're moving in a straight line.
SpongeBob: I don't follow.
Squidward: A straight line is the shortest distance between any two points.
SpongeBob: Speak English. brainiac! (laughs)
Squidward: Well, see. You have point A, where you start. (draws an "A" with his hand) And then there's... (draws a dotted line) Point, uh... point... um... I don't even know what I'm talking about! (scrambles the lines)
SpongeBob: (the lines fall onto his tongue and he eats them) Mmm, strawberry! (checks watch)
Patrick Watch: Tick!
SpongeBob: Oh, no! Now we're only going to be 14 minutes early for work! There's got to be a shortcut around here somewhere.
Squidward: Oh, for the last time. Straight line, point A, there's no shortcut!
SpongeBob: There is always a shortcut!
Squidward: What moron told you that?
Patrick: (walks by) There's always a shortcut!
Squidward: Huh.
SpongeBob: (puts on a safari hat) Squidward, I am going to find that shortcut.
Squidward: Look, the Krusty Krab is right at the end of the block. (points to it)
Mr. Krabs: Yoo-hoo!
SpongeBob: (gaps) You're not gonna come with me?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. I'm just gonna struggle through the rest of this walk alone.
SpongeBob: Well, I guess this is where we part ways. But I can't wait to see your face when you get to work and I'm already there.
Squidward: (bored look)
SpongeBob: (laughs and points to Squidward) That's the face! That's the look! (starts singing as he takes a shortcut) First you do a zig! Then you take a little zag! That's how you find a shortcut! Crawl underneath the fence! Struggle through a bush! And that's how you find a shortcut! (stops singing) Huh?
Squidward: Straight line. Point A to Point B. You're still not getting it. (continues walking)
SpongeBob: Tartar sauce! Maybe I should've zagged when I zigged. (continues singing) First you do a zag! Crawl underneath the fence! Then you take a little zig. That's how you find a shortcut! (laughs and stops singing) There, that's better. (finds himself in a bizarre landscape) Oh. (laughs nervously) Now this is what I call a real great shortcut. Now all I have to do is remember my wilderness training so I don't get lost.
Sandy: (in a thought bubble) First rule of wilderness training is map out your course by taking note of local landmarks.
SpongeBob: "Local landmarks". (looks around) Aha! Right at this large and unusual shell. (a spider-like creature emerges from it) Right at this abandoned sofa, and jog left at the broken fire hydrant. (spots a sign that looks similar to the Krusty Krab sign and squeals happily) There it is! The Krusty Krab! Oooh! (runs to it)
(cut to the Krusty Krab, which is empty)
Squidward: (resting in the cash register boat) Ah...
Mr. Krabs: Well, look at this: lazy live out. Can I get you anythig else? Another pillow, maybe? A cappuccino machine?
Squidward: No thanks, I got one. (whistles while he makes the cappuccino) Perfect. No customers. No SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: Oh for kelp's sake. You're a lost cause.
SpongeBob: (still running to the building) Huh? (reading sign) "The Krabby Krust"? (sees a man painting a "For Rent" sign) Is that the name of a restaurant?
Man: No, it's a typo.
SpongeBob: Could you perhaps tell me how to get to the Krusty Krab from here?
Man: Never heard of it.
SpongeBob: Oh, you should try it. It's the best place to eat in all of Bikini Bottom. Here, take these coupons.
Man: Thanks! I'm gonna go there right now! (take coupons. Gives the paintbrush to SpongeBob and drives away in his truck)
SpongeBob: I thought you didn't know where the Krusty Krab was! Oh, what do I do, now? (cries)
Sandy: (in thought bubble) Remember your landmarks!
SpongeBob: Sandy's wilderness tips are always on the money. (goes in the middle of an intersection) Let's see. I came from... no, I came... I'M LOST!! (screams and runs away. Spots a broken fire hydrant) Hey, there's one of my landmarks! The broken fire hydrant. Hello, hydrant. I'm gonna call you "Hidey". "Hidey the Hydrant". (spots many other broken fire hydrants) So many broken fire hydrants. What do I do now, Hidey? If only I could telephone Squidward. He'd help me out. (spots a payphone) Hey, that kinda looks like a phone. Wow, this is weird. It's like a phone, but you put money in it. (shakes himself and a dime falls out of his pocket) My last dime. I hope this works. (puts the dime in the payphone)
Squidward: (the phone rings) Krusty Krab. May I reluctantly help you?
SpongeBob: It's me, Squidward. SpongeBob. I'm calling from the payphone.
Squidward: You don't say. How's that shortcutting going?
SpongeBob: Not good. I think I made a wrong turn at the abandoned sofa. All there is around here are broken fire hydrants. What should I do?
Operator: If you'd like to continue this call, please insert another dime.
SpongeBob: I don't have a dime. Operator, please, please, can you tell me where I am?
Operator: If you'd like to know where you are, please insert another dime.
SpongeBob: Uh, hold on. (runs to the abandoned sofa, where three guys are sipping soda, and searches for a dime) Two nickels? I need a dime! Oh, I'm never gonna get to work.
Scott: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Looking for a dime in this abandoned sofa.
Scott: This is our abandoned sofa, pal!
SpongeBob: Whatcha doing there, drinking soda?
Scott: What's it to ya?
SpongeBob: Isn't it a little early to be hitting the high-fructose corn syrup?
Scott: Hey, listen! I know this soda isn't good for us, but sometimes it gives me the kick I need to start my business as a pedicab driver.
SpongeBob: Ooh! You drive a pedicab?
Scott: Yes, sir! (arrives in his pedicab) You need a ride somewhere?
SpongeBob: Yes! To the Krusty Krab, and step on it! (they ride off)
Scooter: Way to go, Scott!
Charlie: This gets him to attend a new community college next year. (they knock their soda cups together)
SpongeBob: (gets off) Thanks alot, Scott! Stay in school! (Scott rides off. SpongeBob reads the sign and gasps) "Krusty Klam"? (gasps) Wait, stop! Come back! TARTAR SAUCE!! (runs away and look at his watch again)
Patrick Watch: Tock.
SpongeBob: No! Over the cliff! Through the toxic runoff! Make a right at the disease-filled sewer pipe! Face first into this bed of muck! Over the garbage pile! Fall down this mountain of broken glass! Over the excruciatingly sharp wire! Up this massive hill! (gets tired and falls down. The Krusty Krab is in front of him) That's the Krusty Krab. And I'm still two minutes early! (crawls over the mountain and enters the restaurant) I made it! Oh, I made it! (hugs two customers) Oh, random Krusty Krab patrons. How I've missed you! (leaps on an old lady and smooches her) I missed your youthful faces! I miss the bathroom, too. (two customers run out of it screaming. A customer is choking of a Krabby Patty) But, most of all, I missed you, choking guy! (hugs him, causing the patty to fly out of his throat and into Patrick's Krabby Patty) Patrick? How'd you get here?
Patrick: Same way I always do. This guy gave me a ride in his pedicab.
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it? (Old Man Jenkins moans)
Squidward: Congratulations.
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, boy? You're scaring away all me customers with your foul stench!
SpongeBob: (hugs him) Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Oh no, lad. You're not coming in here like that! You're going straight home for a nice, long bubble bath.
SpongeBob: (pushed out by Mr. Krabs) Aye, aye, sir!
Squidward: What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing!
Mr. Krabs: Yes. and, consequently, you're just neat as a pen. Now get to work!
Squidward: "I'm as neat as a pen"? I'll show you neat as a pen! (runs out the Krusty Krab, laughs maniacally and starts covering himself with dirt) Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (sprays Squidward clean with a hose) There you go. (the man drives by in his truck, splashing more water on Squidward) Now get to work!
Man: Are you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free".
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no. It says "Buy one for a fee".
Man: Oh, I stand corrected.
End